Your Guide to Enjoying a Holiday Party

It's that merry time of year again, and you know what that means: Holiday Parties. Whether it's a company party, a girls only cookie party, a small white elephant gathering, a family dinner, your girlfriend's fancy soiree, or the New Years Eve house party rager - I've got it covered.

COMPANY PARTY
This year my company was too cheap to have a lavish party, so we all gathered in the VIP room of one of our theaters, sans plus ones. Thankfully there were some high end cheeses and an open bar, because honestly how can you get through hanging out with your many co-workers after hours without an open bar? Given the open bar, it is important to remember not to get SHWASTED at these things because you're going to have to see all these people again the next day, whether it's in the conference room for your morning meeting or the staff meeting your CEO has called to discuss the company's dating policy - it's going to be awkward if the last image everyone has of you in their head is you standing on the plush velvet bench singing along to your favorite GLEE song. So just have fun, relax, have a couple cocktails (no more than 4 over the course of 2 hours) and make some small talk with your boss. Whatever you do, don't mention the fact that you'll miss these gatherings when you step up and leave your company.

COOKIE PARTY
For as long as I can remember my mom and her friends have had annual cookie exchange parties. When I was young I didn't care what happened at the party, I only wanted the delectable assortment of cookies that came home at the end of the night. But fortunately I had the opportunity to attend one of these notorious events a couple years ago, priming me for my own cookie exchange. Each person brings 30 or more cookies, you have some holiday cocktails, talk about how annoying your husbands or boyfriends are, smoke a joint, then you take your cookies and decide who is sober enough to drive home. It's pretty much the same agenda no matter how old you are and how many of these you have been to. Most exchanges will provide some small bites, (finger sandwiches, fruits and veggies, cheese plates) but in case they don't it's a good idea to eat a small meal before you go so you don't fill up on cookies and get fat. The most important thing to keep in mind when attending a cookie exchange is don't forget the fucking cookies.

WHITE ELEPHANT
Does everyone know what a White Elephant is? Do you need clarification? Because I did. Apparently you get some really silly gift that is nearly pointless and wrap it up in a nondescript box so nobody can tell what it is. Then you bring it to the party and put it under a tree, or in a pile if there is no tree. Then everyone draws a number out of a hat. That number determines the order in which they get to pick a present. If they pick a present and they don't like it, they can force anyone who picked before them to trade. This goes on until the last person, who can take any person's present, whether or not that person has already traded. Sounds complicated right? It's not really. But in my opinion, white elephants are more fun when people bring gifts that are completely random yet have some level or desire associated with them. For instance: a thong, a head lamp, stationary, a classic movie on DVD, or this.

FAMILY DINNER
There are two types of family dinners: 1) meals with your actual family that you share genes with, 2) meals with your house family that you share germs with. If you're attending the former, you've probably been to enough family dinners to navigate on your own. But I will give you a tip: drink a lot, and I mean a lot. These people aren't your coworkers. If you black out and puke on the dog, they'll forgive you because they're your family. Getting drunk with your family is one of the more entertaining things you will do in your alcoholic career. Stories that you didn't even know existed will come out and you will walk away from the experience feeling that you know everyone just a little bit better. And listen to your dad when he tells you to alternate wine with glasses of water so you can avoid the hangover in the morning and join your family for brunch at the country club. If you're attending the latter, this is most likely a potluck party. That means bring something. If your smart, you'll divide the duties so that they're aren't two turkeys or and three vegetarians. There should be several side dishes (meat and vegetable), a main dish, desserts, adult beverages, and if there are a lot of you then plastic utensils and paper plates might be a good idea. Festive drinks like mulled wine or eggnog are always fun. And you don't have to worry about designated drivers if you keep it in the hood! Looking for a fun activity to partake in while the cooking is happening? Decorate some glass ornaments with sharpie markers and glitter spray. Just make sure to spray it outside so you don't contaminate the spread.

FANCY SOIREE
This year I threw my best holiday party to date. It was Black & White themed, formal attire, in a hotel penthouse that I won a free stay in for the weekend. Aside from the fact that I wrote "formal black and white attire" and "white Christmas and black tie event" on the invite, confusing all the men as to whether or not they should wear a tux, it went off without a hitch! People always complain about dressing up to go to these kind of events - especially with a limit on color - but when all is said and done everyone shows up looking handsome and gorgeous and the photos come out wonderfully. For the men: black slacks, white shirt, black jacket (if you have it). If you can get more creative, great! One of my friends was lacking in the black department so he came dressed as Santa, which was more than appropriate. Ladies, your LBD with a couple of accents will do just fine. And if you're hosting this lavish event, make sure you look the best out of everyone there - even if it means throwing down the dough for a new dress. Don't waste money on things like glassware, formal food, or fancy drinks. Ask your guests to bring a bottle of wine, vodka, or champagne, and you can provide the mixers, limes and ice. It's also nice to provide at least half a case of champagne so you have something for people to drink when they first get there, in case the Grey Goose guy hasn't arrived yet. With my BevMo discount I was able to purchase 8 bottles of $6.50 Domaine St. Michelle Brut champagne. Along with other libations that people brought, it lasted most of the night until I had to send a friend down to the corner store with a money bag so he could get a couple handles of vodka to go with the pile of mixers arranged on the table. All in all, the party was a huge success and people started clearing out around 1am, just in time for my boyfriend and I to enjoy our last night in the penthouse.

NYE RAGER
I don't know about you, but the LAST thing I want to do on New Years Eve is drop $100+ on a ticket to a sweaty night club with "open bar" (you can't even get to the bar because it's so crowded) and "mimosa breakfast" (honestly, who isn't passed out by 3am?). Option 2: have a good old fashioned house party or convince your friend to. No frills, no expectations. Just dress up, drink up, hook up, and hopefully don't throw up. You really can't go wrong. And if you find yourself standing under the mistletoe while you're talking to that awkward guy or girl your friend left you with so he or she could flirt with YOUR crush, just tell them that you cut your foot earlier and your shoe is filling up with blood. Then limp off and get another drink. If it's a successful house party, there will be enough other people around that you can probably avoid the person the rest of the night.


There you have it folks. May your days be merry and bright, and may all your holiday parties be right.

Film Review: Fantastic Mr. Fox

"Everthing about this is crazy. Especially him. But that doesn't make it any more fantastic." This is the most simple, yet compelling line of the stop-motion feature film directed by Wes Anderson. Delivered by Mrs. Fox - voiced by Meryl Streep - is the poignant line that sums up the theme of the film. None of it really makes sense (in fact there are several geographical flaws, but we won't get into the nitty gritty stuff), but does there need to be sense in order to convey fantasy? Quite the opposite, actually.

Wes Anderson was really the only person who could direct this film, filling it with voices from his usual cast of comedians and a few actors he hasn't worked with: Bill Murray (Beaver), Owen Wilson (Coach Skip), Jason Schwartzman (Ash Fox), George Clooney (Mr. Fox), Willem Dafoe (Rat) and of course Ms. Meryl Streep (Mrs. Fox). Clooney and Schwartzman artfully delve into their characters to exude not only fox-like qualities, but also capture the mind of a masterful thief and an eager-to-please, but "different" son.

Rated PG for action, smoking and slang humor, this film is certainly appropriate for children but I think adults will enjoy it more for its complex animation and simple storyline (and under 90 minute length). In short, Mr. Fox has retired from thievery and chosen to be a family man. Tired of living in a hole, he says to Mrs. Fox, "Honey, I am seven fox years old. My father died at seven and a half. I don't want to live in a hole anymore, and I'm going to do something about it." So he finds a beautiful tree to move his family too, which also happens to be on the property of the three largest farms in the town, housing chickens, hens and a very strong alcoholic cider. How can he resist one last triple heist (sounds a little familiar to another one of Clooney's hit films, eh)?

In true Wes Anderson fashion, the level of comedy is subtle yet creative. He gives "fox years" and human years - or weeks - when he is distinguishing a passage of time. He inserts the word "cuss" or some form of it when alluding to profanities that the characters speak in. One of my favorite scenes is when Mr. Fox is trying to convince his lawyer friend, Beaver to buy the tree:

Badger: In summation, I think you just got to not do it, man. That's all.
Mr. Fox: I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
Badger: The cuss you are.
Mr. Fox: The cuss am I? Are you cussing with me?
Badger: No, you cussing with me?
Mr. Fox: Don't cussing point at me!
Badger: If you're gonna cuss, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!
Badger: You're not gonna cuss with me!
[Both start snarling at each other, and then settle down]
Mr. Fox: Just buy the tree.
Badger: Okay.


If you don't see this film, you'll be cussing sorry.