The following post is a contribution from my dear friend, Brion Spensieri. Thank you, Brion for enlightening me (and everyone who reads this) on the cause of our current economic downfall.
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I’d like to take a minute or two to delve into a serious issue which affects all of us young people residing in large cities. You’ve seen them at the parks and the bars, in the streets and the coffee shops, perusing through garage sales and record stores—and you may have noticed that their numbers are surging at an alarming rate. That’s right: I’m talking about Hipsters.
The Hipster is a fascinating and perplexing creature. From their socioeconomic origins, to their Bohemian-Punk hybrid mantras, there is a lot of material to pore through. Let us begin by exploring common traits among the species. The following is a list of obvious identifying markings:
· A fixed-gear bicycle: Usually minimalist in design and solid in color, with bonus points for a brakeless setup, a hipster’s bike is his most prized and expensive possession. Their aluminum stallions are usually purchased from a resale shop and maintained through a series of Sunday Part-Swap bartering expos in the park. You can be sure that you’ve entered a Hipster Nest if the ratio of bikes to residents is greater than 1.35.
· Facepaint: Unless you’re at a circus, a rave, a Halloween celebration, or a foreign religious ceremony, there are very few reasons for the average person to wear facepaint. This does not hold true for The Hipster. Among this community, any weekend is fair game to paint on some day-glo tribal markings, affix a few long and colorful feathers to their headband (most wear headbands), and get wasted during the daytime. This is directly caused, of course, by the fact that Hipsters are for the most part…
· Leeches on Society: The Hipster is capable of working for a living. For the most part, Hipsters come from upper-middle class families and grew up in the suburbs of the cities in which they now reside. Hipsters usually at least begin their college education, and between 20-25% of them typically complete it in five years or less. This does not, of course, affect their aggregate decision to work (if they work at all) almost exclusively as bartenders, waiters, baristas, bookstore cashiers, and Democratic Canvassers. The Hipster has no use for a career, as it is concerned only with what is happening right here and now. Rather than being a shameful characteristic, this near-complete lack of disposable income is a badge of pride for The Hipster. During the downright exciting era of Demonization of Capitalism happening within our country, The Hipster thrives. They move like locusts, from neighborhood to neighborhood, consuming all natural resources before inevitably resorting to the safety net society has set up to protect the truly destitute—welfare. This goes a long way towards explaining The Hipster’s de facto escape mechanisms, which are…
· PBR, Hand-rolled Cigarettes and Cheap Whiskey: For The Hipster, life is largely a celebration of poverty/frugality. I suppose it’s obvious, then, that when The Hipster wishes to imbibe, It turns to the lowest common alcoholic denominator. Cans of PBR and bottle swigs of Early Times are to Hipsters what human flesh is like to Zombies—utterly irresistible. Temperature, degree of skunkitude, and lack of chasers are complete non-issues to the Hipster on a mission to get fucked up at 2 pm on a Tuesday.
· Bedbugs: Hipsters rarely bathe or groom themselves, and acquire many of their worldly possessions off the street or from the moldering basements of thrift stores. For this reason, most Hipsters appear unkempt or disheveled, and are highly likely to welcome bedbugs into their Nests. Much like with vampires or werewolves, when one willingly enters the domain of The Hipster and sleeps with one of their kind, he or she will never be the same. The bedbug bites are only the beginning—the worst is yet to come.
· Waifish, birdlike bone structure: Often accentuated by a threadbare, neon green tank top, the Male Hipster’s body type is astonishingly similar to that of Kate Moss circa 2003. Exposed midriffs, complete lack of muscle definition, and the strong proclivity to fracture a collarbone during a routine sneeze are hallmarks of the almost-androgynous Male Hipster. This departure from masculinity is wholly embraced by the Female Hipster, which only solidifies the process.
· Fedoras (if not European)
· Overalls (if not Farmer)
· Skinny jeans cut off at the knees (if male)
· Large, colorful sunglasses (if not Australian)
So, what is the point of being able to classify and identify the Hipster Species? Well, I’m not entirely sure yet. My research hasn’t taken me to the point where I’ve discovered their weaknesses (besides obvious physical weakness). But I do know this: the Hipster ranks are growing rapidly. As layoffs increase, the job market continues to stagnate, and we continue down this road towards a magical place where everybody is entitled to their Fair Share, regardless of contribution to society or the economy, the Hipster thrives. For more information on the sheer ridiculousness of Hipster appearances, please see Look at This Fucking Hipster.com.
Now don’t get me wrong — The Hipster is usually mild-mannered and easy to get along with. Few are aggressive, even when provoked, and this passive demeanor allows them to spread throughout our cities without too many eyebrows being raised. But mark my words — The Age of the Hipster is a dark one indeed. Productivity will decrease. The 80’s are getting even more popular. A new Lost Generation is forming... disenfranchised young people clinging to any semblance of childhood they can. These foreign-film-loving, music-discussing, dispassionately opinionated individuals are coming to a city near you—dive bars beware. Chicago, New York City, San Francisco, Portland, DC and LA have already been infested, but there may still be time for your city to barricade itself. Remember to watch for telltale signs of anybody you love experimenting with Hipster behaviors, and NEVER attack a group of Hipsters in their natural habitat—they have great strength in numbers, especially when employing the Whining Tactic.
Finally, with Halloween coming up, I share with you this article and urge you to stand up against the slippery slope that is facepaint.
Whatever you do, though, don’t tell The Hipsters.
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